Mandatory Employee Testing
The volunteer programme of 1976 paid sixty dollars to whoever the van could find. In 1982 the van does not go out. The company has looked around and found that it is a building full of volunteers already, and has said so, on tape.
Welcome to the enrichment center. [cough] Since making test participation mandatory for all employees, the quality of our test subjects has risen dramatically. Employee retention, however, has not.
[cough] As a result, you may have heard we’re gonna phase out human testing. There’s still a few things left to wrap up, though.
Why
The van stopped finding people. I want to be honest about that, because I have been honest about the rocks and the rocks are worse. The benches were empty. The bandstand was empty. Mr. Pike drove out himself in the spring and came back with nobody, and sat at the gate with the drawer full for the first time since 1976, and told Caroline, and Caroline told me, and I lay here and thought about it, and what I thought was: a company that cannot find volunteers has, if it looks around, a building full of them. [cough] So I looked around.
Everybody tests. The engineers test. The bean counters test, and I want it noted that they tested first, at my request, and that the request was not a punishment, it was a courtesy, because I know what it costs them to go through a thing they have said we cannot afford. The print shop tests. The print shop is one man and he has tested twenty times and he prints this sheet. He printed this sheet.
What A Test Is Now
A test is one of three things. It is the gel, in and out of the portals, sampled at both ends. It is the lemon, thrown, at a distance Engineering has asked me not to print. Or it is a chair in Computation with version one point oh-seven, which asks you questions about yourself and writes down the answers and does not care what they are, and which is the safest test in the building, and which every employee who has taken it has asked not to take again. [cough] I have asked them why. They say it is the way it listens.
On Retention
Employee retention, however, has not. I said that on tape and I meant it as a joke and I want it on the record that it was a joke, and that I have looked at the figures since, and that it is not one. We are keeping the ones who stay. We are keeping them very well. The ones who leave are leaving through the front door, on their feet, with a box, and I have watched a great many of them from the window, and not one of them has looked back at the building, and I have decided that this is because they are looking at the parking lot, and Caroline has let me decide it.
Allright, test’s over. You can head on back to your desk.
“Employee retention, however, has not.”
Figures
The Schedule, By Department
Test participation by department, third quarter 1982
| Department | Strength, Jan. | Test | Strength, Sept. | Remark |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| Accounts | 4 | The gel | 3 | Tested first, as a courtesy. One departed. Requisition L-7 still resubmitted every Monday by the three. |
| Materials | 9 | The gel; the lemon | 5 | Masks mandatory. Masks worn. Line on the chart unchanged. |
| Engineering | 7 | The lemon, at a distance | 7 | Retained. Engineering has asked for a bigger distance. |
| Computation | 5 | The chair, with 1.07 | 5 | Retained. Have asked not to take it again. Have taken it again. |
| Print Shop | 1 | The gel, twenty times | 1 | Printed this sheet. |
| Medical | 2 | Exempt, as examiners | 1 | One departed. Not through the front door. Medical declines to say. |
| Personnel | 1 | Exempt | 1 | Disputes exemption. Has tested. Has not told him. |
| The Gate | 1 | The drawer | 1 | Mr. Pike. The drawer is full. Mr. Pike is at the gate. |
| Greg | 1 | All three | 1 | Fine. |
Vacancies arising are listed under Openings, which is the 1959 sheet, which Personnel has not reprinted, because the openings are the same and so is the door.
A Memorandum Concerning Your Desk
Interoffice Memorandum
Test’s over. You can head on back to your desk. Your desk is where you left it. If your desk is not where you left it, it has been tested, and you are to find it, and it will be on the testing track, and you are to bring it back, and that is the test. [cough]
An employee who returns to his desk and finds another employee at it is to consider whether the other employee has been retained, and if so, to find a desk that has not, and there are several.
I moved the desks back. All of them. He does not know. Greg helped. — C.
APERTURE LABORATORIES · v1.07 · TEST SUBJECT ROSTER ALL EMPLOYEES ARE TEST SUBJECTS. ACCOUNTS ........ 3 OF 3 TESTED RETAINED MATERIALS ....... 5 OF 5 TESTED RETAINED (MASKED) ENGINEERING ..... 7 OF 7 TESTED RETAINED COMPUTATION ..... 5 OF 5 TESTED RETAINED (ASKED NOT TO. TESTED.) PRINT SHOP ...... 1 OF 1 TESTED x20 PRINTING PERSONNEL ....... 1 OF 1 EXEMPT [OVERRIDE: SUBJECT TESTED HERSELF] GREG ............ 1 OF 1 FINE WOULD ANYONE FILE A POLICE REPORT IF YOU WENT MISSING? YES ..... 14 NO ..... 8 REFUSED ..... 1 (PERSONNEL)
Cave JohnsonChief Executive OfficerDictated 1982, from bed. Applies to the reader. Test’s over.