The Directory
Every sheet in the Spring 1959 edition, filed by department and numbered by form. If a sheet you were expecting is not listed, it was either withdrawn, never printed, or is being held on the far side of a door you have not yet been issued a key to.
The Company
- ASI-101A Word From The PresidentMr. Johnson addresses the reader personally, at length, and without being asked to stop.
- ASI-102Our Story So FarFrom a shower curtain to a hole in the fabric of space, in fourteen short years.
- ASI-103We Do What We Must Because We CanThe corporate creed, the corporate anthem, and the corporate position on the word ‘why’.
- ASI-104Officers & DepartmentsThe men and the one woman who make the Enrichment Center run.
- ASI-105The Salt Mine At Upper MichiganNine shafts, four thousand feet, and the largest privately held hole in North America.
- ASI-106On The CompetitionA frank and entirely fair assessment of a certain research facility in New Mexico.
- ASI-107Honors, Citations & Certain FindingsAwards received, awards anticipated, and awards that were regrettably withdrawn.
- ASI-108CorrespondenceHow to reach us, and a candid account of what happens to mail that reaches us.
Products & Divisions
- ASI-201The Aperture Fixtures Shower CurtainThe product that built this company. Still in the catalogue. Still the best on the market.
- ASI-202The Portable Quantum Tunnelling DeviceTwo holes. One here, one there. Legal insists we mention that it is not a door.
- ASI-203Repulsion GelOriginally a dietetic pudding substitute. The dietetic application did not survive contact with a spoon.
- ASI-204Propulsion GelMakes a man run faster than a man has any business running. Stopping is sold separately.
- ASI-205Conversion GelGround lunar substrate in suspension. Excellent conductor. Catastrophic to inhale.
- ASI-206The Weighted Storage CubeIt weighs a great deal and it stores nothing. Both of these are features.
- ASI-207The Aerial Faith PlateThrows a man across a room. The faith is required on the part of the man.
- ASI-208The Pneumatic Diversity VentMoves objects, documents and occasionally personnel at ninety miles per hour through a tube.
- ASI-209The Material Emancipation GrillRemoves from a volunteer any object he ought not to be carrying. Fillings are an object.
- ASI-210The Heimlich Counter-ManeuverFor lodging an object more firmly. The applications are, admittedly, still being determined.
- ASI-211The Take-A-Wish FoundationA charitable arm that collects wishes from the terminally ill and puts them to industrial use.
- ASI-212The Aperture Sentry TurretPresently in development. Presently very polite. Presently unarmed, in most models.
- ASI-299The Complete Catalogue & Order FormEvery item, every price, and a coupon the Legal Department has read exactly once.
The Enrichment Center
- ASI-301Test Shaft 09The newest and deepest of the shafts, and the only one with a working elevator.
- ASI-302Volunteer ApplicationSixty dollars, a firm handshake, and a form nobody has ever finished reading.
- ASI-303Our Distinguished VolunteersThe finest men America can spare, and a note on the ones we could not give back.
- ASI-304The Test ChambersA guided tour of the chambers, the signage, and the meaning of each pictogram on the wall.
- ASI-305Safety & ComfortThe Enrichment Center’s comprehensive position on hazards, which is that there are none.
- ASI-306Schedule Of CompensationWhat we pay, when we pay it, and the eleven conditions under which we do not.
- ASI-307Refreshments & The CakeCoffee, sandwiches, and a cake that has been promised to every volunteer since 1953.
- ASI-308Rules Of The Enrichment CenterNineteen rules. Rule nineteen is not printed, for reasons given in rule four.
Research Divisions
- ASI-401Applied Quantum TunnellingThe physics of putting a hole where a hole was not, explained for the layman and the shareholder.
- ASI-402Materials & Industrial EmulsionsGels, resins, curtain fabrics, and the department that keeps setting fire to the third floor.
- ASI-403Computation & Thinking MachinesEleven tons of relays, one punch-card reader, and an idea the President will not let go of.
- ASI-404The Lunar Substrate ProgramWe bought the moon rocks. All of them. Do not ask what they cost. Ask what they conduct.
- ASI-405Applied BiologyHuman enhancement, mantid husbandry, and the long-term storage of a personality.
- ASI-406Papers, Patents & Priority DisputesWhat we have published, what we have patented, and what we have merely gotten to first.
Employment
- ASI-501Positions Presently AvailablePhysicists, machinists, one experienced pyrotechnician, and a great many test associates.
- ASI-502Benefits & The Company TownHousing, the commissary, the company store, and the finest dental plan in the Upper Peninsula.
- ASI-503The Employee HandbookForty pages condensed to one. Chiefly concerning doors, and which ones open from both sides.
- ASI-504Bring Your Daughter To Work DayThe Enrichment Center’s beloved annual science fair, and this year’s prize-winning entries.
- ASI-505Employee Of The MonthA rotating honour. It has rotated rather faster than the Personnel Department anticipated.
Investor Relations
- ASI-601Annual ReportRevenues, expenditures, and one line item the auditors have asked us to explain three times.
- ASI-602Prospectus & OfferingAn opportunity to own a piece of the largest privately held hole in North America.
- ASI-603Testimony Before The SenateMr. Johnson’s complete and unedited remarks to a subcommittee that did not enjoy them.
The Aperture Bulletin
- ASI-701The Aperture Bulletin — Spring 1959The Mercury Seven are named, the commissary reopens, and a word about the noise from Sub-Level 4.
- ASI-702The Aperture Bulletin — Winter 1958The substrate procurement, the bowling league, and nine paragraphs about a missing elevator.
- ASI-703From The Desk Of Cave JohnsonInteroffice memoranda, reproduced without editing, against the advice of counsel.
General
- ASI-000The DirectoryEvery sheet in this publication, filed by department.
- ASI-900Terms, Waivers & IndemnitiesThe fine print, set in the largest type the Legal Department would permit.
Verifying personnel file…
Filed under Directive 12. Retain until superseded. Superseding editions are issued whenever the President reads the previous edition.
they took the index cards. the shafts arent on the index cards. count the doors instead