The Last Memoranda
Six memoranda, dictated from bed over a week in the autumn of 1982 and sent by facsimile so that they would arrive everywhere at the same moment. The Chief Executive chose which went on this sheet. He chose small things. The big things are on tape, and the tape is playing.
These are the last memoranda. [cough] I want to say what I mean by last. They are the last ones on this sheet. There will be others. There will be others until there are not, and when there are not, this sheet is where they stopped, and I have chosen what goes on it, and I have chosen the things a man leaves on a desk and not the things he says into a microphone, because the microphone has enough.
I. The Tape
Interoffice Memorandum
Tape fourteen is played as instructed. Tape fifteen is played as instructed. Tape sixteen does not exist. Anybody who says they have heard tape sixteen has heard me talking in my sleep, [cough], and is to forget it, and is not to tell Caroline what I said, because I know what I said and she does not need it from a third party.
II. The Elevator
Interoffice Memorandum
The elevator is an elevator. I said that in 1976, nine times, in the Bulletin. I am saying it once. That is how you know.
III. Greg
Interoffice Memorandum
Greg is fine. Greg has been fine since 1959. When I am poured into the computer I want Greg on the list of things the computer knows, under fine, so that whatever else it forgets it remembers that one thing in this building was. [cough] Greg, if you are reading this, you are fine. You have always been fine. Somebody should have said so on a sheet.
IV. The Potato
Interoffice Memorandum
The potato on my desk is still functioning. It is Margaret’s. It has been on the desk since April 1959 and it has run a bulb the whole time, and it is the only thing in this building that has never needed a requisition, and the bean counters have never once refused it, and I want that noted as the one time they and I agreed without a memorandum.
When the desk is somebody else’s the potato stays on it. If the somebody else is a machine, the potato stays on the machine. [cough] There will be a day when there are daughters in this building again, and one of them will bring a potato, and I want mine there to be beaten.
V. The Wall
Interoffice Memorandum
The wall stays over the vat. The number faces the door. Nobody paints it. Nobody moves it. When the vat is empty the wall stays over where the vat was. That is the whole memorandum, and it is the shortest one I have ever dictated, and I want it framed.
Framed. Hung beside the wall. Facing the door. — C.
VI. Your Desk
Interoffice Memorandum
Allright, test’s over. You can head on back to your desk.
“Cave Johnson. We’re done here.”
FAX · APERTURE LABORATORIES · 906 555 0943 · OUTWARD MON 09:00 ALL DEPTS ..... RE: THE TAPE ......... P.01/01 OK TUE 09:00 LOWER LEVELS .. RE: THE ELEVATOR ..... P.01/01 OK WED 09:00 COMPUTATION ... RE: GREG ............. P.01/01 OK WED 09:00 GREG .......... RE: GREG ............. P.01/01 OK (GREG HAS NO FAX. GREG CAME UP.) THU 09:00 THE DESK ...... RE: THE POTATO ....... P.01/01 OK FRI 09:00 MATERIALS ..... RE: THE WALL ......... P.01/01 OK SAT 09:00 ALL DEPTS ..... RE: TEST'S OVER ...... P.01/01 OK SUN --:-- [NO TRANSMISSION. MACHINE ON. PAPER LOADED.]
A Note From The Records Department
The Records Department has received seven facsimiles and printed six. The seventh was not addressed to a department and has been filed under the transcriptionist’s name, which the Records Department had, until this year, never had cause to open a folder for.
Cave JohnsonChief Executive OfficerDictated over one week, autumn 1982. Six sent. One typed. Test’s over.