The Volunteer Programme, 1976
Who wants to make sixty dollars? Cash. The terms of participation in Aperture Science testing, as revised for the present intake, who were not astronauts, and who were not, when we found them, awake.
Now, you might be asking yourself, “Cave, just how difficult are these tests? What was in that phone book of a contract I signed? Am I in danger?” Let me answer those questions with a question: who wants to make sixty dollars? Cash.
In 1959 this company paid sixty dollars to astronauts, war heroes and Olympians, and it said so on a sheet, and the sheet is still on file. In 1976 this company pays sixty dollars to you. I want you to think about what that means. It means the sixty dollars has not moved, and I have not moved, and the only thing that has moved is who is standing in the waiting room, and I did not move that either. The country did. Take it up with the country.
Who We Are Looking For
We are looking for the best. We drove out with the van and we looked, and there you were, on the benches by the courthouse and under the bandstand and in one case inside the bandstand, and we brought you here, and you can feel free to relax for up to twenty minutes in the waiting room, which is a damn sight more comfortable than the park benches most of you were sleeping on when we found you.
The testing area’s just up ahead. The quicker you get through, the quicker you’ll get your sixty bucks. Caroline, are the compensation vouchers ready?
They are vouchers, sir. You said cash. — C.
They are vouchers that turn into cash at the Gate House. Mr. Pike has a drawer. It is the same thing. Anybody who says it is not the same thing can take it up with Mr. Pike, who has held the gate since 1951 and has never once lost an argument at it.
The Additional Sixty
If you’re interested in an additional sixty dollars, flag down a test associate and let ’em know. You could walk out of here with a hundred and twenty weighing down your bindle if you let us take you apart, put some science stuff in you, then put you back together good as new. We’re not banging rocks together here. We know how to put a man back together.
In case you’re interested, there’s still some positions available for that bonus opportunity. Again: all you gotta do is let us disassemble you. So that’s a complete reassembly. New vitals. Spit-shine on the old ones. Plus we’re scooping out tumours. Frankly, you oughtta be paying us.
On The Mantis Men
Those of you who volunteered to be injected with praying mantis DNA, I’ve got some good news and some bad news. Bad news is we’re postponing those tests indefinitely. Good news is we’ve got a much better test for you: fighting an army of mantis men. Pick up a rifle and follow the yellow line. You’ll know when the test starts.
Applied Biology would like it noted that the mantis men were not their idea. Applied Biology would like a great many things noted, and has been asked to note them on the yellow line.
Aperture Science · Compensation Voucher
$60
Entitles the bearer to sixty dollars in cash at the Gate House upon completion of the test, as certified by a test associate. Not transferable. Not redeemable against tattered hats, beard dirt, or the elevator.
Bonus opportunity: additional $60 upon complete reassembly. Tick here if you would like to be taken apart. ☐
“You’re here because we want the best, and you’re it. Nope. Couldn’t keep a straight face.”
Terms Of Participation
- Compensation
- Sixty dollars, cash, on completion. Completion is defined by the test associate.
- Bonus opportunity
- Additional sixty dollars for complete disassembly and reassembly. New vitals. Tumours scooped.
- Contract
- One. It is the size of a phone book. You have signed it. It is in the van.
- Waiting room
- Up to twenty minutes. Chairs. Do not smudge up the glass.
- Belongings
- If you had any, please pick them up now. We don’t want old newspapers and sticks cluttering up the building.
- The elevator
- Is an elevator.
- Next of kin
- Notified on request. Requests since 1968: none, because nobody has asked, because nobody has anybody.
The Programme, Then And Now
Particulars of the volunteer programme, 1959 printing against 1976 printing
| Particular | 1959 | 1976 |
|---|---|---|
| Volunteers | Astronauts, war heroes, Olympians | Whoever was on the bench |
| How they arrived | By limousine | By the van |
| Compensation | Sixty dollars, cash | Sixty dollars, cash. Unchanged. The Chief Executive regards this as consistency. |
| Contract | One sheet | One phone book |
| Waiting room | Not required | Twenty minutes. A damn sight more comfortable. |
| Test | Repulsion gel; mantis DNA | Propulsion gel; mantis men; disassembly |
| The line on the floor | Blue | Orange, or yellow. Not blue. We cannot afford the blue paint. |
| Straight face | Kept | Not kept |
Readers wishing to compare the original terms are referred to the 1959 sheet, which is on file, and which the Chief Executive has read recently and would prefer you did not mention.
Cave JohnsonChief Executive OfficerDictated to the waiting room, 1976. The waiting room did not respond.