On The Competition, Again

In 1959 this publication carried a frank and entirely fair assessment of a certain research facility in New Mexico. Seventeen years later the Chief Executive has been asked whether he would like to revise it. He would like to extend it.

Dictated by Cave Johnson, Chief Executive Officer. Transcribed by C., who has struck one word, and who would like it known that it was the same word each time.

You’ve most likely used one of the many products we invented. But that other people have somehow managed to steal from us. I want to walk you through the list, because the list is long, and because a man who has had his pocket picked ought to be able to say what was in the pocket.

On The List

The list is below. It is not complete. It is not complete because every time I sit down to complete it, something else turns up in a catalogue out of New Mexico with a federal stamp on it and forty names underneath, and I have to stop and add a line, and Caroline has asked me to stop adding lines, because the sheet is a sheet and not a ledger. The sheet is a ledger. Everything in this building is a ledger. Mr. Pike could tell you that.

On The Facility

There is an outfit in New Mexico. You know the one. In 1959 I said they had been three years on a problem I solved in a weekend, and I was right, and I am still right, and the difference between 1959 and now is that in 1959 being right paid the electric bill. They have the contracts. They have the astronauts, or they have what the country calls astronauts now, which is men who have not been through anything. They have two of my physicists, and I will say this about the two physicists: one of them I fired, and one of them I did not fire fast enough, and if you want to know which is which, look at who is publishing.

What they do not have is the hole. They have a hole. They have a very expensive hole with a great many men standing around it in good haircuts, and none of the men has been through it personally, and I have been through mine eleven times, and there is a sheet on this floor that says so and a sheet in the Senate that says so, and I would put either sheet up against forty names any day of the week.

On The Letter

There is a framed letter behind my desk. People who come into the office assume it is from the Army, because the 1956 contract was from the Army and I have made no secret of the 1956 contract. It is not from the Army. It is from New Mexico. It is dated 1957 and it asks, in very good type, whether Aperture Science would consider a collaboration on a matter of mutual interest.

I have it framed so that I can look at the word consider. I look at it most mornings. It is the most expensive word I have ever read and I did not pay for it, and every man who has ever asked me why I do not simply take the federal money has been shown the letter and told to read the word, and not one of them has asked a second time.

On What Was Said

Black Mesa can eat my bankrupt—

Sir. — C.

Fine. Black Mesa can eat my bankrupt, unrepentant, four-thousand-foot — Caroline, I am aware. I am aware. Put it in the sheet that I was aware.

They say great science is built on the shoulders of giants. Not here. At Aperture, we do all our science from scratch. No hand holding. I said that in 1959. It has since been quoted back to me by a man from New Mexico, in print, without attribution.

“Black Mesa can eat my bankrupt—”

— Cave Johnson, 1976, on tape, before the transcriptionist reached the switch

Products We Invented That Other People Have Somehow Managed To Steal

A partial list. The Chief Executive reserves the right to add lines.

A partial list. The Chief Executive reserves the right to add lines.
Product	Invented	Now offered by	Remarks
The shower curtain	1943	Everybody	Two hundred thousand to the Army. All branches except the Navy. The Navy has since bought curtains. Not ours.
The hole in the wall	1953	New Mexico, allegedly	They have a hole. Nobody has been through it. See above.
The storage cube	1954	A great many people	It is a box. We know it is a box. We would like the box back.
The emulsions	1955–61	New Mexico, in three colours	Ours are in two colours this year. See the memorandum about the paint.
The Heimlich Counter-Manoeuvre	1959	Nobody	Nobody has stolen this. The Chief Executive would like it noted that this is not for want of it being available.
The sentry	1958	One unit unaccounted for	Fourteen phrases. Thirteen of them ours.
The word ‘enrichment’	1952	The federal government	Used in a different sense. We regard the sense as ours.
Two physicists	—	New Mexico	One fired. One not fired fast enough.

Compiled by the Office of the Chief Executive from catalogues, transcripts and one framed letter. Not audited. There is no longer anybody to audit it.

A Note From The Records Department

The 1959 assessment of the competition ran to one sheet and was described by its author as frank and entirely fair. The 1976 assessment runs to one sheet and a table. The Records Department notes the growth and declines to characterise it.

The word consider has been counted. It appears once in the letter and eleven times in this sheet. Caroline has asked that this be regarded as a coincidence.

Verifying personnel file…

Cave JohnsonChief Executive OfficerDictated 1976. Struck once, reinstated once, struck once. Filed as struck.

Form ASI-76-106. Statements concerning a certain research facility in New Mexico are the opinions of the Chief Executive and are, in the opinion of the Chief Executive, facts. Legal has left. The opinion stands.

in 1986 they hear new mexico is building one. that is the year they start on her. it was always going to be because of new mexico