Propulsion Gel Testing
The orange one. Listed in the 1959 catalogue as available, which it was, in the sense that it existed. Fifteen years on it is still in testing, and the Chief Executive would like to thank the volunteers for staggering their way through it, and cannot believe he is doing so.
Thank you — I can’t believe I’m thanking these people — for staggering your way through Aperture Science’s propulsion gel testing. You’ve made some real contributions to society for a change, and for that, humanity is grateful.
That is the message that plays at the end of the track. I recorded it in one take and I want it on the record that the pause in the middle is not a pause, it is me hearing what I am saying, and deciding to say it anyway, because a man who has been thanked by Cave Johnson has been thanked, whatever he smells of.
What The Gel Is
Propulsion gel is the orange one. Repulsion gel is the blue one and we are not testing the blue one this year because we cannot afford the blue paint for the line on the floor, and a test without a line on the floor is a man wandering, and we have enough of that in the waiting room. The orange one makes you go. That is the whole of the science. You step on it and you go, and you keep going, and the lab boys have a word for the point at which you stop going, and the word is wall.
Momentum, a function of mass and velocity, is conserved between the gel and the man. In layman’s terms: fast thing stays fast. The 1959 catalogue said this more elegantly and with a diagram. We have not reprinted the diagram. The diagram had a man in it with a haircut and the current intake found the haircut distracting.
The Test
Follow the orange line. The orange line goes to a corridor, and the corridor has gel on the floor from the third mark to the eleventh, and at the end of the corridor is the wall, and past the wall is a room where a test associate will make a note. The note is the test. Everything before the note is you.
You will stagger. That is expected. The gel takes a man who has been walking at bench speed for the better part of a decade and asks him to move at Aperture speed, and there is an adjustment, and the adjustment is what Materials is measuring, and Materials asks that you not try to slow down, because the gel has an opinion about that and the opinion is the wall.
Advice From The Lab Boys
In 1959 the lab boys gave me one piece of advice about the repulsion gel and I passed it on to the volunteers verbatim: do not get covered in the repulsion gel. The advice for the propulsion gel is the same advice with the word changed, and I have asked the lab boys whether they have any advice that is not simply the name of the substance with do not in front of it, and they are thinking about it, and they have been thinking about it since 1961.
We haven’t entirely nailed down what element it is yet. We had nailed it down in 1959. The nail came out. It happens.
“The quicker you get through, the quicker you’ll get your sixty bucks.”
Particulars Of The Substance
- Designation
- Propulsion gel. The orange one.
- Colour
- Orange. Materials asks that this be the last time the question is put to them.
- Effect
- A man on it goes. A man on it keeps going.
- Termination of effect
- The wall. Also, occasionally, the far wall.
- Element
- Not entirely nailed down
- Listed
- 1959 catalogue, as available
- Available
- In the sense that it exists
- Advice
- Do not get covered in the propulsion gel.
Results, Third Quarter 1976
Propulsion runs on the orange line, as noted by the associate in the room past the wall
| Run | Subject | Distance | Outcome |
|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Bench, courthouse | 41 ft | Reached the wall. Staggered. Noted. |
| 2 | Bench, bandstand | 44 ft | Reached the wall. Continued. Noted from further away. |
| 3 | Inside the bandstand | 9 ft | Sat down on the gel. Was carried the remaining 32 ft by the gel. Noted. |
| 4 | Bench, courthouse (returning) | 41 ft | Reached the wall. Asked for the additional sixty. Referred. |
| 5 | Test associate (unscheduled) | 58 ft | Reached the far wall. Materials has the note. Materials has the associate. |
| 6 | Greg | 40 ft | Reached the wall. Fine. |
Distances are from the third mark to the point of contact. The far wall is at 55 feet. Run 5 is under review.
A Memorandum Concerning The Lines
Interoffice Memorandum
The orange line goes to the propulsion gel. The yellow line goes to the mantis men. The blue line went to the repulsion gel and there is no blue line, because there is no blue paint, because the bean counters have a memorandum about the blue paint and the memorandum is in my drawer with the one about the moon.
A volunteer who arrives at the mantis men without a rifle has followed the wrong line. A volunteer who arrives at the gel with a rifle has also followed the wrong line, and is to be relieved of the rifle before he steps on the gel, because a man with a rifle at Aperture speed is a matter for Legal, and Legal has left.
Figures
Cave JohnsonChief Executive OfficerDictated on the track, 1976. The thanks were given once and will not be repeated.