The Bean Counters
They said we could not afford seven dollars of moon rocks. This is the memorandum in which they said it, reproduced in full at the Chief Executive’s insistence, with his reply, also in full, also at his insistence, and a note on where the number went afterwards.
I keep the bean counters because a man with no money needs somebody to tell him so every morning, and I have found that I prefer to hear it from people I can fire. I have not fired them. I want that on the record too. In seventeen years of refusals I have not fired one of them, and I would like you to read the memorandum below and ask yourself whether you could have managed that, and then read my reply and ask yourself whether I did.
The Memorandum
Interoffice Memorandum
The Department has reviewed Requisition L-7, submitted by the Office of the Chief Executive in the sum of seven dollars ($7.00), for lunar material, quantity unspecified, supplier unspecified, purpose stated as “to see.”
The Department regrets that the company cannot at present meet this expenditure. The Department notes that the company cannot at present meet the electric bill, the paint bill, the retainer of the Legal Department (since departed), or the interest on the facility, and that seven dollars, while small, is seven dollars the company does not have.
The Department notes further that the Chief Executive’s covering note describes the seven dollars as “a start” and refers to an eventual figure of seventy million dollars ($70,000,000). The Department has no comment on the eventual figure beyond observing that it exceeds the company’s assets, its liabilities, the Department, and the moon.
Requisition L-7 is returned unpaid. The Department remains at the Chief Executive’s disposal.
The Reply
Interoffice Memorandum
Seven dollars. I have seen the number. I have written the number on the wall of my office, over the desk, where the letter from New Mexico used to hang, and I have underlined it, and every man who comes into this office from now until the day I leave it is going to look at that number and know who wrote it and who made me.
You are right that we cannot afford it. You are right about the electric bill. You were right about the ramps, in 1958, and I did it anyway, and you were right about the meteorites, and I did it anyway, and there is not one thing this company has ever built that you did not first tell me we could not afford, and I want you to understand that I am not saying this to insult you. I am saying it because you are the most reliable instrument in the building. When you say no, I know I am looking at the right thing.
One day I am going to buy the seventy million. When I do I am going to have the wall taken down and shipped up there with it. Requisition L-7 is resubmitted. It will be resubmitted every Monday. You remain at my disposal. That is the arrangement.
Resubmitted every Monday since. Returned every Monday since. Both of them keep the copies. — C.
“Bean counters said I couldn’t fire a man just for being in a wheelchair. Did it anyway. Ramps are expensive.”
Requisitions Refused, 1976
Requisitions returned unpaid by the Accounts Department in the present year, with the Chief Executive’s remarks
| No. | Item | Sum | Chief Executive’s remark |
|---|---|---|---|
| L-7 | Lunar material, to see | $7.00 | On the wall. Underlined. |
| P-2 | Blue paint, one line, floor | $41.00 | Repulsion gel not tested this year. Follow the orange line. |
| E-1 | Sign for the elevator, reading ‘ELEVATOR’ | $12.50 | Addressed the lower levels personally instead. See the Bulletin. |
| C-3 | Commissary, reopening of | — | The blancmange is remembered. |
| B-1 | Bowling league, lanes, two | — | Mr. Pike bowled alone on both. Mr. Pike has been asked. The lanes are gone. |
| LG-1 | Legal Department, retention of | — | Legal has left. Legal was right to. |
| H-9 | Hatch, Test Shaft 09, new sign | $9.00 | The old sign says condemned. The old sign is fine. The offices behind it are fine. |
| — | Mr. Pike’s drawer | Not submitted | There is no requisition for the drawer. The drawer is not the Department’s affair. |
The Department notes that requisition L-7 appears once in this table and fifty-two times in its files.
The Department’s Position
The Accounts Department has read the reply and has asked that the following be printed beneath it: the Department has never once said that a thing could not be done. It has said that a thing could not be paid for. The Department regards the distinction as the whole of accountancy and the Chief Executive regards it as the whole of Aperture Science, and the two have agreed, in writing, on a Monday, that they are describing the same building.
Cave JohnsonChief Executive OfficerCompiled 1976. The number is on the wall. It has been read.