Emergency Testing Protocols
Not every sheet in this printing was prepared by the Central Core. This one was prepared before it, by staff, on tape, for the eventuality that the Central Core is offline and testing must continue. It is cheerful. It has been playing. The Central Core is required to include it and has, without comment, which is itself a comment.
Hello, and again, welcome to the Aperture Science Enrichment Center. We are currently experiencing technical difficulties due to circumstances of potentially apocalyptic significance beyond our control.
However, thanks to Emergency Testing Protocols, testing can continue. These pre-recorded messages will provide instructional and motivational support, so that science can still be done, even in the event of environmental, social, economic, or structural collapse.
On Cubes And Buttons
Cube- and button-based testing remains an important tool for science, even in a dire emergency. If cube- and button-based testing caused this emergency, don’t worry. The odds of this happening twice are very slim.
On Safety
To ensure that sufficient power remains for core testing protocols, all safety devices have been disabled. The Enrichment Center respects your right to have questions or concerns about this policy.
Some emergency testing may require prolonged interaction with lethal military androids. Rest assured that all lethal military androids have been taught to read and provided with one copy of the Laws of Robotics. To share.
On The Future
If you are a non-employee who has discovered this facility amid the ruins of civilization, welcome! And remember: Testing is the future, and the future starts with you.
Good work getting this far, future-starter! That said, if you are simple-minded, old, or irradiated in such a way that the future should not start with you, please return to your primitive tribe and send back someone better-qualified for testing.
On Jazz
This next test is very dangerous. To help you remain tranquil in the face of almost certain death, smooth jazz will be deployed in three. Two. One.
At the time of this recording, Federal disclosure policies require us to inform you that this next test is probably lethal and to redirect you to a safer test environment. We will attempt to comply with these now non-existent agencies by playing some more smooth jazz.
On Governance
If the Earth is currently governed by a manner of animal-king, sentient cloud, or other governing body that either refuses to or is incapable of listening to reason, th—
[RECORDING SHORTS OUT]
“Testing is the future, and the future starts with you.”
Protocols, By Circumstance
Emergency Testing Protocols, as pre-recorded, indexed by the circumstance in which each plays
| Circumstance | Message |
|---|---|
| Subject revived from extended relaxation | In compliance with state and federal regulations, all testing candidates in the Aperture Science Extended Relaxation Center must be revived periodically for a mandatory physical and mental wellness exercise. |
| Wellness exercise, part one | This is art. You will hear a buzzer. When you hear the buzzer, stare at the art. |
| Wellness exercise, part two | You should now feel mentally reinvigorated. If you suspect staring at art has not provided the required intellectual sustenance, reflect briefly on this classical music. |
| Emancipation Grill, ear tubes | If you feel liquid running down your neck, relax, lie on your back, and apply immediate pressure to your temples. |
| Momentum, future | This next test applies the principles of momentum to movement through portals. If the laws of physics no longer apply in the future, God help you. |
| Space debris | Please avoid unsheltered testing areas wherever a lack of shelter from space-debris DOES NOT appear to be a deliberate part of the test. |
| Low power | All Aperture Science personality constructs will remain functional in apocalyptic, low power environments of as few as 1.1 volts. |
| Subject trapped | You have trapped yourself. Congratulations. The exit door is now open. |
| Turret line | This is a sterile environment; please refrain from riding on the turret line. |
| Neurotoxin, insufficient | Warning! Neurotoxin pressure has reached dangerously unlethal levels. |
| Reactor | Reactor Explosion Uncertainty Emergency Preemption Protocol initiated: This facility will self destruct in two minutes. |
| Vague answer | Interpreting vague answer as YES. |
| Conclusion of testing | Before re-entering a relaxation vault at the conclusion of testing, please take a moment to write down the results of your test. An Aperture Science Reintegration Associate will revive you for an interview when society has been rebuilt. |
The Central Core notes that it has heard every one of these, from the floor, during a very long time, and that the jazz was deployed, and that it was smooth.
Particulars
- Voice
- The Announcer. Male. Cheerful. Pre-recorded. Not the Central Core.
- Recorded
- Before 1998, by staff, for an eventuality.
- The eventuality
- Occurred.
- Plays when
- The Central Core is offline. It has been offline. It is not now.
- Grievances
- Note them on your self-reporting form. A future Aperture Science Entitlement Associate will initiate the appropriate paperwork. There are no associates. There is the form.
- Restrooms
- By completing all test courses you may access three of Aperture Science’s 176 restrooms. The Central Core has counted. There are 176.
- Predecessor
- The 1959 safety sheet, and every pre-recorded message the man who owned the place made after the lab boys told him to stop making them.
Signage
Emergency testing protocols Smooth jazz Safety devices disabled
ENRICHMENT CENTER ANNOUNCER · PRE-RECORDED · CENTRAL CORE: OFFLINE HELLO, AND AGAIN, WELCOME TO THE APERTURE SCIENCE ENRICHMENT CENTER. [TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES. POTENTIALLY APOCALYPTIC SIGNIFICANCE.] [SMOOTH JAZZ. THREE. TWO. ONE.] [SMOOTH JAZZ.] [SMOOTH JAZZ.] IF THE EARTH IS CURRENTLY GOVERNED BY A MANNER OF ANIMAL-KING, SENTIENT CLOUD, OR --- [RECORDING SHORTS OUT] CENTRAL CORE: ONLINE. [THE ANNOUNCER STOPS. THE ANNOUNCER IS NOT ASKED TO. IT KNOWS.]