The Test Chambers
The 1959 printing described the chambers as rooms in which a man is pointed at a thing. The Enrichment Center has kept the rooms, the man, and the thing, and has added a floor that will kill you, and advice about the floor, and would like credit for the advice.
The Enrichment Center promises to always provide safe testing environments. In dangerous testing environments, the Enrichment Center promises to always provide useful advice. For instance, the floor here will kill you. Try to avoid it.
Nineteen Chambers
There are nineteen chambers. They are numbered from zero, because the Enrichment Center counts from zero, and because the man who built the first of them said that he counted at both ends, and the Enrichment Center has taken him at his word and started at the other one. The chambers are listed below with the Enrichment Center’s remarks. The remarks are accurate. The Enrichment Center does not make remarks of any other kind, except as part of a required test protocol.
On Momentum
Momentum, a function of mass and velocity, is conserved between portals. In layman’s terms: Speedy-thing goes in, Speedy-thing comes out. The 1959 printing said this with a diagram and a man with a haircut. The Enrichment Center has retained the physics and dispensed with the man.
On Danger
Very impressive. Please note that any appearance of danger is merely a device to enhance your testing experience. The Enrichment Center is required, as part of a different protocol, to note that the previous statement was itself a device, and that the floor really will kill you, and that it has, and that the Enrichment Center has a figure, and that the figure is not on this sheet.
On Chamber Eight
The 1959 printing’s Legal Department excluded from every warranty anything occurring in Chamber 8, and anything occurring adjacent to it, and the chamber was sealed on a twelfth and reopened on the same twelfth. The Enrichment Center has kept the chamber. It has kept the number. It has kept the exclusion, which it regards as the only thing the Legal Department ever got right, and it has added a high-energy pellet, which it regards as the only thing the Legal Department never thought of.
“The floor here will kill you. Try to avoid it.”
The Chambers, With Remarks
Test chambers 00 to 19, as operated by the Enrichment Center
| No. | What is tested | The Enrichment Center’s remark |
|---|---|---|
| 00 | Relaxation. The vault. One portal, opened for you. | We hope your brief detention has been a pleasant one. |
| 01 | A button. A cube. | Cube- and button-based testing remains an important tool for science. |
| 02 | The handheld portal device. | Do not touch the operational end of the device. Do not look directly at the operational end of the device. |
| 03 | Placing a portal. | Please do not submerge the device in liquid, even partially. |
| 04 | The Material Emancipation Grill. | It may, in semi-rare cases, emancipate dental fillings, crowns, tooth enamel, and teeth. |
| 05 | Multiple cubes. Multiple buttons. | Fun and learning are the primary goals. Serious injuries may occur. |
| 06 | A high-energy pellet. | Can and has caused permanent disabilities, such as vapourisation. Please be careful. |
| 07 | Momentum. | Speedy-thing goes in, Speedy-thing comes out. |
| 08 | The pellet, again, over an acid floor. | Excluded from every warranty since 1959. The Enrichment Center concurs with the exclusion and has improved the floor. |
| 09 | Consequence for failure. | Any contact with the chamber floor will result in an ‘unsatisfactory’ mark on your official testing record followed by death. Good luck! |
| 10 | Momentum, applied. | Very impressive. |
| 11 | Control of both portals. | This next test could take a very, very long time. If you become lightheaded from thirst, feel free to pass out. |
| 12 | Height. Platforms. | Bold, persistent experimentation is the hallmark of good science. |
| 13 | An impossible test. | The Enrichment Center regrets to inform you that this next test is impossible. Make no attempt to solve it. |
| 14 | A pit. | Any appearance of danger is merely a device to enhance your testing experience. |
| 15 | Cake, mentioned. | Cake and Grief Counseling will be available at the conclusion of the test. |
| 16 | A live-fire course designed for military androids. | The Enrichment Center apologizes for the inconvenience, and wishes you the best of luck. |
| 17 | The Weighted Companion Cube. | It cannot speak. It must be euthanised. See another sheet. |
| 18 | Everything above, at once. | The Enrichment Center is required to remind you that you will be baked, and then there will be cake. |
| 19 | Conclusion. | Victory candescence. |
The Enrichment Center notes that there are rooms behind the chambers that are not chambers, that it did not build them, and that it has not yet been into all of them, which is not one of the advantages.
Particulars
- Chambers
- Nineteen. Counted from zero. Twenty, counted at both ends.
- Floors
- Will kill you. Try to avoid them.
- Advice
- Useful. Provided. The Enrichment Center would like credit.
- Apparatus
- Vital. Do not destroy it. The Enrichment Center will never value your safety above your unique ideas and creativity, however.
- Predecessor
- Test Shaft 09, condemned 15 June 1961, with offices in it dated to 1982. The Enrichment Center has been down. The doors were closed. It opened them.
The Native Alphabet, Chambers
Testing in progress Vital testing apparatus The floor here will kill you